Apples on the Web: Chuck Wendig

Behold:

 ❝A pineapple fucked a pear and somehow made a baby that looks like an apple. That is the Cox’s Orange Pippin.❞ 

or this:   ❝

Maiden’s Blush: Wet sad sandcastle heralds the death of summer, but at least it smells nice, so stick a wick in it and use it as a candle.❞ 

try this:

I found a grocery apple that was new to me, and that apple was named—and I swear to Christ this is the name, I’m not making this up, this is not a bit—HUNNYZ. It’s called Hunnyz. Fucking Hunnyz.

We used to be a real country, goddamnit.

If that voice seems familiar, maybe you read Chuck Wendig's epic "Applesssss...." thread on Twitter years before that platform became a Nazi porn bar. (I told you about him at the time.)

Chuck, a published fiction author, left the bar when the Nazis arrived and deleted all his Twitter stuff, so you can't see that any more.

Return of Chuck

But this past year, on his blog, he has reviewed (so far) 41 different kinds of apples, including some really great ones. And some clunkers. The above excerpts (original emphasis, links to respective blog posts added) are his.

He is a wonderful writer and, you can tell, a true enthusiast. My excerpts do not do him justice in that respect: he is serious about the pomaceous fruit.

Compared to that departed hilarious Twitter thread, Chuck's blog gives him scope to really geek out about apples, long-form. You can geek out with him watching linked videos of his apple tastings.

Through these media we encounter a mind, voice, and personality that are sometimes acerbic and always congenial. Not unlike a Cox's Orange Pippin.

Stereoscopic

The apple reviews are delightful, insightful, and different from mine. He reaches different conclusions. That means you can view an apple from two different places, which is how (with actual eyeballs) we get depth perception.

Each of his apple postings provides

1) an introduction that is in some ways inspired, maybe, by the apple in question, or perhaps its name or just the idea of it, and

2) a review that is largely Chuck's reflection on his experience eating the apple as documented in

3) a linked video.

Each concludes with (4) an epigrammatic summing up and (5) a rating expressed as a number.

Sort of not

The blog, Chuck Wendig: Terribleminds, is not primarily an apple blog. You will find there posts about his books, his photography, current events, what AI says about his cat, and other vital things.

When I wrote this, the lead post was about his forthcoming novel, The Calamities, a "contemporary dark fantasy that melds occult magic with shocking family drama."

His Black River Orchard won "best horror" at the Dragon awards in 2024. It features a sinister apple cultivar.

Blog navigation is, alas, random. The apple posts are not all on one place, though the newer reviews include links to all the previous ones.

Ratings rated

Chuck rates his apples on a 10.0-point scale. Cox's, that pineapple x pear miscegenation, gets "9.0": Chuck likes Cox.

From 0 to 10.0 are 101 possible ratings, but what do each of those tiny numbers represent?

The decimal point presses my stupid button, I guess. If you tell me that a Lemonade is 5.0 and a Winesap is 4.9, the hobgoblin of my small mind wants receipts.

The better angels of my nature do not care, and neither should you. Enjoy!

PS His apple photos are ravishing. Gotta agree about HunnyZ's name too.

You can learn about other apples on the web on my links page.

Quill pen via Rawpixel.